Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Tale Of The Old Chair

The  old chair was the only thing that was left as a reminder of that old story ...
The old wooden chair was standing in the middle of the room and staring at me. It felt like it will start to talk in a second. The simple chair seemed so alive, so true. It felt like there was a soul inside that piece of wood. It was scary at first, but then I got used to that feeling. I brought another chair and set next to him, yes him, cause that chair was too alive to be called it. I was looking at the chair and trying to see inside him. I was wondering what  that chair was hiding, what has he seen, what stories would he tell if he was able to talk...

Saturday, December 24, 2011

For those who are in that "All I want for Christmas is You" mood...

And here we are again.... another Christmas holiday came and it happened so fast again. Christmas tree, lights, gifts, decorations, laughter and joy... but all that holiday joy looses the meaning without the one who was supposed to be there, next to you.
All those Christmas lights loose their colours when you feel that someone important is missing.
You look at people around you, look at their happy faces and wish you were as happy as they are, wish you didn't have to pretend that everything is the way you wanted it to be. Being away from the one you love is not easy and it gets even harder during the holidays.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Love is like Coffee

Love... we come across this word almost everyday, in movies, books, among the people around us. We all long for love, wait for that feeling to knock our door someday.
What is love after all? There are thousands of answers, quotations  and ideas about this question. You can find many books describing or discovering love. Most of us don't know what it is, but we still wait for it, keep on saying that love is all we need.

"Falling in love", this expression itself shows that love comes when you don't expect it at all, most of us believe that love just happens and we can never control it. Haven't you ever thought that love might be just a decision? What if there's nothing unexpected or uncontrollable about love?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

the Lover of the Darkness

Hello me dear, it's me again, the Darkness...
Yes, i'm here again, in this late afternoon, because this is the only place where there's someone waiting for me. Did you ever wonder where does the Darkness go when the sun rises? Did you ever think what happens to me when the Light appears on my way? I will tell you what I do, I come here to be with you. I come to you because this is where I feel comfortable, this is the place where I can hide till the night comes again.
People... some of them like me, trying to find some compassion, but the only reason they like me is that they are trying to get lost in the Dark to be away from everything. I don't like that, because those people don't understand me and don't see who I really am.
The others are afraid of me, without understanding that it's not the darkness that scares them, but the idea that they don't see or know what's gonna happen, what is in front of them. I don't understand them. Do they see the future? Then why aren't they afraid of it? Can they see what's in the next room or what does the next coming minute hide? But the only thing they are scared of  is me. Tell me, am I that scary? Did you fall in love with the scary one?
Oh my dear, you have no idea how hard it is to be strong all the time, but at the same time you can never imagine how lucky I am to have a place where I can be weak, to have a person who will take care of me before the sunshine takes my strength. The only fact of having you makes me stronger, makes me more confident. I loose my darkness and I come to you again to get back to whoever I was the other night. Your love gives me power to fight against the day, to be that late evening which slowly will turn into the night.
You're always there, but nobody knows the one who has created me, the Darkness.
It's getting late my dear, I should go, but there's no need to miss me, I'll be back very soon to be your one and only Darkness again...
                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Thursday, December 8, 2011

My Weakest Point

Our weakest points are our feelings, they can destroy even the strongest person in the world. Now I guess it's my turn to fight. I'm standing here against my own feelings that look at me with their kindest look, but I know their plan, I know what they really want from me.
A part of me is fighting against myself, trying to destroy all that i've created during these last couple of years. It's not you I'm complaining about, it's not you who went wrong, it' my own personality arguing with my character. I'm lost among those multiple illusions of myself and I don't even remember what was it that I really wanted. It's not you I blame, it just makes more sense to blame you then myself, I guess.
I do try to hide all those emotions somewhere far, in order not to be able to find them myself, but time to time they appear again and during couple of seconds bring me down to the same level where they had left me. I get up again, torturing myself, I still go up the stairs, the same stairs all over again, knowing exactly what's gonna happen before I reach the top.
My poor tears, they are so weak to change anything. I don't even cry anymore, I lost the great ability to able to cry and let the tears wash away everything...
Strength, that's what I'm longing for, that's what I need most of all, but my feelings are the only ones that control myself. I keep loosing my strength. My own feelings make me weaker. And my weakest point is You...
                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Wanna receive my letters? Be a stranger to me...

Hello dear friend...

Why is it easier to talk to someone you don't know, someone you will never meet or hear about? "Hello dear friend...", I start another letter to you, to someone who doesn't know me and doesn't want to, to a person who doesn't judge, doesn't gossip or talk back . And I write another letter to the one I've never met, telling him the deepest secrets of my soul with the hope that he will read them. I don't even wait for a reply or support. There's no need to try to understand me, just read all those lines that I would probably never dare to write if we knew each other.
Why do I call you a friend if I don't even know you?  Maybe just because I want you to be one, even if not in the reality that we live in, but somewhere far away I want to have a friend like you.
Would I ever think about meeting you? No, i wanna keep our friendship the way it is. I wanna be a stranger to you, the one who will walk by you and you won't even think that the girl walking down the same street as you do is the one who trusts you so much, who opens up her heart in front of you without looking into your eyes. I want you to be the random guy whom I will never meet, but who will always have it's own plays in my heart and my memories. If we loose each other one day I want to never be able to find you again. I don't need your address and won't give you my phone number, I don't care in which city you live. If we loose each other I won't try to find you again and I truly hope that you will do the same.
Who are you? I don't care. I've created your image for myself already,  the way I wanted you to be and if you appear to be different from what I've imagined, it will disappoint me and nothing more. That's why I won't ask questions, I will create you myself. No, you're not perfect either, cause I never liked to have an ideal image of people I wish were next to me. You have your bad sides, you're funny sometimes, sometimes serious, you're different and all your changes depend on my mood. If I wanna laugh you'll be funny that day. If I want to cry, you'll be supportive, you'll be the shoulder I will cry on. If tomorrow I want to argue, to yell at someone then you will be the worst person I ever knew.
Who are you? The part of my own personality that i'm scared to look at? No, I don't control you, you're not  a part of me, never were and never will be. You are just the receiver of all those letters that I would throw away after finishing them. You are who you are. You are a friend, you're the stranger I trust the most...

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I want to be a Wind...

I want to be a gentle wind... Fly high above the streets, go inside each window and play with kids. 
I want to take the autumn leaves and take them high above the sky, dance with them on the clouds. 
I want to fly with the birds, get closer to the Moon and find my star in the dark midnight sky. 
I wanna be a gentle wind and die on your lips.

I want to be a wind, free from everything and everyone, able to go wherever I want, whenever I want. I want to be a softest breeze, to whisper in your ear, to play with your hair and run away as softly as i came. And if you try to keep me next to you, you won't be able to catch me, you can keep me only in your memories, remembering my touch, my voice... You can't even hold a picture of me, cause the wind is invisible. You would never be able to see me, that's why for you I would be the most beautiful Wind in the world. You can call me whenever you need me, but I can't promise that I will come each time you call me. The Wind is free, she does whatever she wants, goes wherever her heart leads her to. You will have to work hard to be able to control her heart, but don't forget that she's not a bird to be kept in a cage. . . 
The Wind...  She's the one who makes kids laugh, she's the one who makes people cry, whispering the old memories in their ears. She can be soft and gentle like a small butterfly, but she can also become the strongest destroyer and nobody ever can guess her mood. You should expect her everywhere, every second.
The Wind... She's the one who is so crazy about you...

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan


Friday, December 2, 2011

Waiting for the Call...

The room was empty, she was siting in the sofa, with her thoughts somewhere far away from that room. The phone was right next to her. She was staring at it, waiting for the call. She was waiting for an hour already, waiting for something that might never happen. She got mad at herself for being so silly and childish, but still, she couldn't help it. The clock on the wall was so loud, each minute passing seemed like a long hour...
When you're waiting for something it seems like the time is not moving, you feel like you're frozen just like everything around you. Her own thoughts filled the room, she could see them everywhere, her own voice was talking to her, trying to comfort the girl then getting mad at her. She was trying to do something to make the thoughts go away, but she couldn't even move, she still was staring at the phone...

Guys you have no idea how the simple call can totally make a girl's day...
Just Call Her.

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

....oh those crazy romantics (The Experiment N1)

-I love you
-I love you too

You think this is enough? Well maybe it is for the first month or two, but not longer. If you want to be in a long-term, serious relationship with someone, then it's time to realize that love by itself is too weak to support you.
Like a weak, small bird love comes to our hearts, shows us the right way and then starts looking for some help for itself. Maybe it's true that we simply fall in love, without expecting it, without ever trying to go against it, but later it all depends on us. We and only we can decide whether we want to stay there, in the deepest river of this feeling, or to get out of the world of the real dreams.

Right when you are high above the sky, flying among the clouds with the person you love, you suddenly realize that love is not holding you any more. You start falling down, afraid to hit the ground soon. Where is the love in that case?
It's still there, it was holding both of you for a while, now it's time for you to hold your own love, to do your best not to let your love fall down back to the ground.

What do we need in a relationship besides love in order to be able to live happily ever after... No, not in a fairy-tale, in your own life!
Right now there are probably many words running through your head: trust, romance, craziness...
The same was with me, that's why I decided to ask this question to my friends and readers on Facebook. What's more, I decided to share the results with you.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Friend, Let's Never Meet Again

The lovers leave, but the love stays...
Another story, another relationship... What happens when it also comes to it's end? We fight, argue, break up and start hating each other like the worst enemies, like we never were crazy about each other. What about love? Does it vanish, does it disappear just like the connection between the two people?

"Let's stay good friends"
We all know that it is not possible and never will be. A fake friendship after a relationship brings just more troubles. Then why do some of us still say this sentence?
Maybe that's the love?
What if we go, but leave our love right there in the corner where we said good-bye?
What if love tries to do its best to continue living among us, at least as a broken friendship?
What if... ?

Why are we trying to kill our love? Let's just let it  go on living and growing in our hearts.
Two people sitting next to each other, close with their bodies, but so far from one another with their minds and souls. The love... The poor love is lost among them and their thoughts, trying to find the right place to be kept. Their minds are  not kind anymore to accept the love and their hearts are too cold already for each other.
They don't talk, they don't even look at each other, there are no words left to say and nothing to look at. It's all done, they both know that there is no other way, but none of them dares to make the first move.
Reasons? There are no reasons, just decisions... After all we all have good reasons for leaving, the matter is will you use the reasons or not...

They left, they both left, they took the opposite directions with the hope to never meet again. Usually such meeting are silly and confusing. If they meet years later they will probably just pretend that they don't know each other, they will continue their way just like strangers. It's amazing how the closest people can turn into strangers during one random evening.
They left and left their love right there in the park along with all those memories that were connecting those two people. They left their dreams, plans, wishes, their thoughts and feelings, the longest nights and the brightest mornings, they left everything they had and took with them a single wish, only one decision: to never meet again...

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Silence That Screams

Close your eyes... 


Do you hear it?


Listen, listen more carefully....


Can you hear it now? Can you hear the Silence?
Sometimes it gets so loud, you just need to try and you will hear the Silence screaming. What does it hide? What secrets does the Silence know? Does it talk to everyone or am I the only crazy one that can hear the Silence?


When all the voices vanish away, your thoughts hurry to take the empty positions left around you. The word "emptiness" doesn't exist for our thoughts, they are everywhere, they are everything...


Our own thoughts tell us about ourselves, argue with us like they are not a part of us and never were. The voices... your own voices get louder, yelling at yourself...
They softly whisper in your ear, reminding you about the old, forgotten stories...


Can you hear the Silence screaming? 
The Silence... It's nothing more then just a reflection of our own thoughts...


                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Monday, November 21, 2011

Closing the Door of the Past...

Before starting a new chapter in your life you should deal with the previous one. If it didn't have an end, if the past didn't come to a conclusion itself, then it's time to realize that you are the writer of your own script, of your own life. You should deal with your past, otherwise it will keep reminding about itself, messing up with your present, closing all the doors to your future.
It's time to go, it's time to leave, to be strong enough to move on. I'll go and will close the door of my past and then throw away the key, because today I will promise to myself to never go back to the memories that were hidden inside me for so long.
When memories from the past keep visiting you, when all the old stories keep repeating themselves in your head, you feel like you're lost in a big labyrinth which doesn't have an end or any exit. All those sounds, old dreams, people, who don't matter anymore... I will leave them all behind the old door. Don't try to stop me, I'm not loosing anything valuable, I'm just going forward, reaching more then just old scenarios playing over and over again. The memories that are truly important will find their ways anyway, because they are closer to my heart then they seem to be. The memories that I care about, will never be lost, will never leave me, because they are not behind that door, they are right here in my heart.
It's hard, but I know it's the right thing to do. No, I won't cry, I will just look at them all for the very last time, I will smile softly, because after all those memories once were a part of my life. I will gently close the door, the door that will separate me from them forever. I will leave all those memories behind, lock the door with the old key that I never dared to use before, and I will throw it away, hoping that someone else will use it wisely after finding it.
Today I will start creating a new past, a past that will be the beginning of my present, a past that will be the leading hallway to my future...
                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Against the Wall

When after a long way you find yourself standing against a huge wall, there's not much you can do. Usually there are three possible ways to get out of that situation:
1) You will just turn back, without caring much about all the time and effort you've wasted for getting there.
2) You will try to pull the wall, to break it and continue your way.
3) You will become a part of that wall yourself.

What is the wall after all? It's the ensemble of all those difficulties that we have on our ways. It's our pessimistic thoughts that don't let us take a risk. The wall is the society, with its stereotypes and firm ideas. Some of us are strong enough to go against the society, some just don't want to meet all those stereotypes, but there are also people who become a part of that society and build their own wall against someone else.
And here you are, a stone in a big wall called Society. You do your job as all the other stones like you, you stand firmly along with them, waiting for your next victim. You all know that the next person will either go back or become a part of you, but non of you ever admits that some of them might just jump over you and continue their way.
You see another person coming towards you, you can hear the thoughts, feel the heartbeat and you all are waiting for the next decision. When the person starts walking towards the wall, you all secretly smile, ready to welcome another stone, another piece of  a society. Then all you hear is a sudden noise coming from far away, you see the stones falling down in front of you and finally you yourself appear just laying on the floor. That's when those smiles turn into scared expressions, cause you and your friends didn't expect that someone would be strong enough to break the wall...
 Once you felt like a strong stone, like a part of something bigger and stronger, but now you're just a lonely piece of stone thrown on the floor, with a tear running down your chick. You were crying silently, not for yourself, not for the wall and not because you were sad to be destroyed, but because you finely remembered who you really are. Now you could see yourself from aside, you could remember that once you were also standing against this wall like that person. You've tried hard back then, you've tried to move the wall, to free your way. You were not that weak to just turn away and change your direction, but you were not strong enough to win the battle.
You were crying, because you were thankful to that person for bringing you back to whoever you were. It's hard to be on your own, its much harder then being a part of something, but that way it's so easy to loose your own ideas, to loose yourself. It's never too late to stand up again. After all you were proud of yourself, because you were the only stone among all the others who did continue his way...

...If you ever see a small, beautiful stone walking by himself, don't  disturb him, that's the strongest stone in the world, going towards his own happiness...
                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Completely Incomplete ...


Another day without you... I wake up, wear my mask with a huge smile on it, take my positive attitude and get out of the house. I smile, talk to people pretending like everything is so bright and colorful and people don't even realize how many colors are missing without you...


These streets, the streets of my own city got so strange for all of a sudden, the people around seem just like actors playing their roles. It's all fake, it's all new, everything is pointless without you.

Wanna know how I feel?

I'm just Completely Incomplete


                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan
                                                                                     


Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Girl On The Moon

If there was a young girl living on the Moon, she would probably sit next to her window and look up in the sky, wondering whether there are people living on the Earth. Maybe on her saddest days she would look up to the Earth, imagining that it understands her the best. It's strange how the furthest things seem to be the closest to our soul. Whatever is far, seems closer, whatever is unknown, seems better and brighter...
The girl living on the moon... She wakes up early every morning, looking up to the sky and goes to bed every night after talking to the Earth, telling the Earth about her dreams. And she doesn't even realize that another girl on the Earth is talking to the Moon, looking at it at nights and whispering to the Moon her secrets.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Dance to find Yourself

Dance, just dance...
Whether you are happy or sad, missing someone or mad about something, dancing is the right thing to do. And I'm not talking about the professional academic dance moves, it's all about you and yourself. The best dance is when your body and soul are connected, when those two are dancing together as a couple and you become the director of your own small play...

Dance like it's the only way to express yourself and your feelings. Dance as if dancing is the only language that you know, the only way of communication that exists right at that moment. Try to get lost in the moves and steps that come out themselves. Dance, like those are the last minutes of your existence. Jump higher without any fear of falling, cause those seconds when you will be up in the air might seem the longest seconds in your life and that's when you are the only one who is responsible for your flight. Try to control your own body, loosing the control over yourself...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Autumn without You

What can be more beautiful then the colourful autumn leaves slowly dancing with the wind in the air... I always loved autumn, it has some hidden meaning in itself, a secret that wants to be discovered. It keeps love even inside the coldest rainy days. That's when the loneliness is a pleasure of being with yourself. That's when you're in love, in love not with someone, but with something and that something is called Autumn. That love is always warm, always comforting, but also very short. The autumn love comes quickly, settles down inside your heart, making your eyes shine from happiness.
The autumn wind knows all the songs of your soul and it softly sings them, gently whispering in your ear. Autumn is just like love, it starts slowly, very softly, changing the usual stains into warm and brighter colours. Then by the time you get used to it, it gets protestant, colder, but still beautiful. Eventually, like love, the autumn becomes a part of you, and you still love it, whether it rains or gets cold. The autumn makes you love the season, love each little piece of its weather and that's how it prepares you to welcome the cold winter. By the time the winter comes, you're so in love with the autumn that you don't even notice the cold weather outside, the trees without any leaves, the empty streets, the white snow. You notice only the warm autumn that stays in your heart...
I was also in love with Autumn, i was in love with all my heart and my soul, for many years until you came... And now it's here again, the beautiful season bu it's not as ravishing as it used to be. I see the colourful leaves
again, admire their loveliness, but they don't talk to me anymore. 
The wind plays with my hair and I do my best to hear his old songs again, but the only thing I hear
 is the sound of the leaves dancing in the wind. The Autumn is different without you, it looses all the
 colours, forgets the old melodies and becomes as usual as all the other seasons. The things I 
could see before vanished for all of a sudden, the beauty lost its meaning, the autumn lost the 
love... and all this because this year the autumn came without you. Just give me back the 
autumn love I used to have.
There was a time that I was in love with the Autumn, but not anymore.
 No matter how many marvelous  autumns come and go, the most glorious autumn 
will be the one that comes with you... 

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Monday, October 31, 2011

Make Your Day Better

Another cold Sunday.... I don't like Sundays, never did and a cold Sunday is even worse, but i woke up that day with a decision that i won't let the day or the weather to spoil my mood.  What did I need to make it better? If you want the day to be a good one, you should start it in a right way. That was exactly what I did to make this usual, boring day a little bit more colourful...
 I'm not one of those people who have a breakfast every day, that's why a tasty breakfast is something very nice and unusual for me. Well, the french kind of breakfast seemed just right for that Sunday, small chocolate croissants and a warm cup of coffee... Trust me, it did work.  The sweet taste of chocolate made me happy like a little child, the warm coffee made me forget about the cold, foggy weather outside. I did my best to keep that warm, sweet feeling for the rest of the day. The Sunday was not as grey as it seemed earlier the same morning. I know, maybe it's even funny, but the smallest things can make us so happy sometimes, can fill our day with joy and satisfaction.
I was glad and happily surprised that the simple breakfast made my day much brighter. Well i'm sure you understood that the point was not the coffee or the croissant. What really changes the bad mood is yourself and the way you see the things around you. It's all in your hands, no one else can change your mood easier then you yourself, no one else can find a better way to make you smile. So next time when you wake up in the morning with a bad mood, change it, change it the way you want it. It doesn't matter whether you do it with the help of a morning tea or just a random kid you see outside, after all the one who controls your day is you, so why don't you make it better...   :)

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Saturday, October 29, 2011

When you hurt the one you love...

Whenever everything seems so bright and so close to perfection, something happens, somethings brings me back to the ground again and hits me down so hard. I was so high in the sky, you made me feel like I can fly, but here I am on the floor again, closed in this walls that seem like a box. Who was wrong this time? Me or You? Maybe it doesn't even matter, because after all it hurts us both. Fights, arguments, sleepless nights... We torture ourselves until we even forget what was the reason we got mad at each other again.
"Sorry"... This word is so meaningless, just a combination of letters that doesn't express anything, not anymore. Lost like a little kid I don't know what to do, how to act. I start apologizing, then want to prove how wrong you are and at the end feel like I can't change anything. Your words, they go deeper then you can imagine, they hurt me more then you actually want them to. But the worst is the silence. You know that my silence is the loudest cry. And I hate your silence too, it would hurt less if you got mad and yelled instead. What should we do next? Will it be easier to just forget or to keep analyzing and trying to understand everything.  We both are strong, that's our problem. We both believe that we are right and non of us will ever give up. Then maybe it will be better to forget. But that's something I was never good at. I will never bring up the past again, but it will still live inside me, everything leaves a mark, even the smallest things, which seem so unimportant sometimes.
Emptiness... again... it's there again, the feeling that you are useless, too weak to change anything, too wrong to bring everything back to normal, back to the way it used to be. Questions, questions are everywhere, but no answer seems close enough to be reached.
Maybe it would hurt less if I didn't love you this much, but in that case I wouldn't hurt you at all, cause you simply wouldn't care...

"Don't cry little one, please don't cry"
"...I cry, because I can love..."

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Happy Stranger

Photo by LiLit G.
It was just an ordinary day, similar to all the other days of that week. I was walking home, my head full of random thoughts, my eyes looking around but not actually paying attention to anything specific. I was walking fast, as I always do, no matter whether i'm late or not, it's more like a habit. But then I saw something that made me stop for a moment. I saw a man on the street feeding pigeons. Those birds were so beautiful, they felt so safe with him and the man looked so happy. Next to the crazy city, the noisy cars, people, who always run somewhere, this man seemed to bring a feeling of calmness to all that. He looked like a big "sign" that was telling people to stop for a second and notice the important and beautiful things around us. I stood next to him for couple of seconds and of course I had to take a picture of that admirable moment.
He looked at me and said.
-These birds are so wonderful, I have them for two weeks already.
Photo by LiLit G.
I smiled and continued my way. The street was the same, but the mood was completely different. That man made my day, I was still walking with many thoughts in my head, but I was softly smiling each time i was thinking about the happy man and his small cute birds.

Thank you happy stranger, thank you for making my day brighter, thank you for giving some bright colours
 to our city and our every day routine... Thank You



   
                                                                                                      © LiLit Ghazaryan

Monday, October 24, 2011

See You Soon

...and she was standing right next to him, realizing how far they are from each other. The feeling that was just a childish game for him was the only thing she had. Those memories which made him just laugh were kept in her heart for a very long time. And now she was looking at him, maybe that would be the last time she would see him, the last time she had a chance to look at him, to feel him next to herself. And she was doing her best to remember each detail. Years had passed, but he was the same.
-I need to go girl
- Again?

Me against Myself

I looked into the mirror and didn't recognize myself. I couldn't believe the girl staring at me was my own reflection. How much I have changed! My eyes have got small and were lost somewhere deep, somewhere far from the reality that they didn't want to see anymore. My own eyes were looking at me with no thoughts or feelings inside, just like two painted eyes, motionless like two small stones.

I couldn't understand whether I was sad or happy, there was no smile, there were no tears, just a round face expressing nothing, nothing at all. The lips... It seemed that those lips had so much to say, so much to tell, but they were not moving, looking like a mouth of a marble statue. My skin looked pale, like there was no blood, no beating heart under that skin. My hair... My long hair that used to wave within the softest wind, were not moving.

I closed my eyes, with the hope that it all will be just a dream, a random nightmare, with the hope that by the time I open my eyes the reflection will be gone and I will see the real me again, smiling at at myself from the other side of the mirror. But no, when I opened my eyes it was still there. It? It was Me. I was still there, looking at myself. I was scared, I was horrified of my own reflection, of my own appearance.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Her Heart in Cage

-Maybe I am a bird honey, but you can't keep me in a cage.
I wanna be able to fly, i wanna be free.

You heard her  and understood, but still was scared to loose her. You didn't want to go against her wish, after all you loved that girl so much. She was a bird, a beautiful bird who was in love with her own freedom. 
That used to scare you all the time, you were afraid that one they she will fly away again and never come back. That's when you decided to put her love in cage, thinking that it would keep her next to you all the time, hoping that even if she flies away, her love will be with you, so she will have to come back to you again.

... to kill your love

I left...
It happened so quickly that i didn't even realize what i was doing. I told you i wanna end that game and you didn't even realize that I was waiting for something else. I wanted you to argue, i wanted you to beg me to stay, to yell at me and get mad about my choice.
I wanted you to prove me that my decision was wrong. But instead, you did just nothing. You did nothing to hold me back.
I was amazed at your calmness, i was shocked by your reaction, but there was nothing i could do. And maybe i truly decided to leave you right at that second, when i saw no care in your eyes.
I got lost in my own game so easily. I had a feeling like it was you who was leaving...
And now after so many years...
No, i don't miss you, i miss the friend that i lost that day. And we both knew i was never in love with you, yet i loved you so much and still do. Just our loves were different from each other, we never wanted the same and non of us was trying to give up, until one day...

I sacrificed my own love in order to kill yours.



                                                                                                              © LiLit Ghazaryan

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Chess Love


Me and You... Two different chess figures standing on the opposite sides of the board.
But we found each other, going against all the rules of the game. And then? Then we stayed on the opposite sides, far from each other, looking forward to the day that we'll meet. The chess steps are following one another, time is going by, but we still can't reach each other. We are stuck on the opposite sides of the chess board. 
Lost in this black and white game we're trying to find a red line.

In this black and white game...
On the opposite sides...
We're still waiting, longing for each other like the black king and the white queen...


                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Slaves of Time

You, it's you again...
You, the embodiment of fears and suspicion.
You, the black point in a long and bright tunnel. Fear, that is always there, even in the loud and happy laughter. The suspicion that is cankering your soul inside, even when you're sure that the decision is right. Right? Which is the right? Who decided what's right and what's wrong? Who is responsible? Who is the judge?
Wrong? Who is wrong? You or them? Them, who judge and consider it wrong. You, who listens to them and obeys.
It's funny. Somebody woke up today and decided that you are wrong and the same evening you go to bed, thinking that he was right. The next morning you will wake up in a chaos, lost in a metal coil of right and wrong, which is impossible to uncoil. A metal coil that keeps getting bigger and bigger and becomes a part of you. And then? Then the coil gets even bigger and now you yourself are a part of the giant coil, the coil of endless thoughts that is slowly destroying you. You spill out your anger at the others, at the people who are right, at the ones who are wrong. You get mad even at the random passers, at the people who are important to you and at the ones about whom you don't even care.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

The Old Photo Album

When I was a little kid i liked to go through my grandma's old pictures and photo albums. I used to look at the black and white pictures for hours, in most of them i was recognizing my grandparents, who were so young and beautiful, looking at me and smiling from the pictures. Back then it was just a game for me, a fun activity and nothing more.
Days ago i was at my grandparents' house again and i decided to look through those old pictures, just like i used to do as a kid. But i couldn't even imagine how much i was going to see, how many new things i would notice, things that were not important for that little girl who was looking at those pictures so often and not even realizing how much history this albums are keeping inside them.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Empty House of Love

I entered the old house and had a feeling like i went to my own past, it felt like those years were back again.
 Everything was the same, the similarities between the past and the present were even scary. I went up the stairs, the same stairs that i used to went up and down every day. The same walls, that were hiding so many memories and secrets inside. Everything was there, except us. I could almost here ourselves talk, sitting around the table, that now was covered with nothing else but the shadows we've left. I looked out from the window, the view was the same, but the ones who used to admire that view were missing. I knew that i had a piece of myself in each part of this house, but still i felt so strange. This old house has got used to the silence during these last years, something that was very unusual here. There was nobody to laugh, nobody to fight and cry, nobody to sing softly in the evenings. The house itself seemed so lonely and sad. It seemed like he was missing us, like he has been waiting for us for so many years and now the house was happy to see me again, but was disappointed to realize that i was alone. I went back to our house without you. The memories that were kept inside those walls were driving me crazy. I got lost in time and couldn't understand were exactly i was, at what part of my life.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

One Saturday Morning

At mornings like this you wanna do nothing, but just sit in the sofa next to the window, with a warm jacket on and drink a cup of tea with lemon...
And that's exactly what i did on this Saturday morning, right the same way as i used to do when i was  a little girl. I liked to sit next to a window early in the mornings, when everyone was still sleeping. I was following the raindrops running down the window. I thought that it was some kind of competition, some of the raindrops were faster, so they were the winners. But there were also some raindrops that didn't care about the competition, they were just enjoying the ride, trying to find new friends on their way. You know when some drops get down and eventually get mixed up together? I thought that the raindrops were falling in love and continuing the way together, running down the window without getting apart. I used to follow this game with a great pleasure, such moments gave the little me a feeling of peace, a feeling that i'm a part of the nature. I thought that i was one of those few people who notice things that nobody else does and that made me feel original, different.
It was nice to go back to those moments. Today morning i felt like i was that little girl again, away from the world and reality. And nothing else was needed at that very moment to make me happier, just a cup of tea, a warm jacket and a rainy autumn morning...







                                                                                                                                 © LiLit Ghazaryan

Friday, September 30, 2011

We all are Actors

You think you're leaving your life the way you want it? It's funny to think so. This is just an entire play, and you are nothing more but just an actor, playing the role that was given to you. You're doing things that were written in the play by someone else, not you. You're meeting other people, because you have to, because they are playing their written role too.  It's a big stage, with millions of actors playing their roles, all of them are so different and yet so alike. And the others are just seating in front of the stage and watching you, cause they got a chance to have the ticket. They will enjoy the performance and leave, but you will stay on the stage, with the rest of the actors. It's always like that, the same story keeps going. Things happen, but nothing changes. And after all what is left is the empty stage, with actors behind the curtains, who hear the applause coming from the audience and don't even realize that the play was their own life. And when the curtain comes down all of the actors have to leave, leaving their place for the new ones coming after them. And it begins all over  again, the same stage, the same story, but just with different actors. Who am I? You wanna know who i am in this entire story? I'm the dreamer, i come and i leave as all of them do. But i don't play, i don't act, i live... and eventually die, leaving my place for the next dreamer that hopefully will come...

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Saturday, September 24, 2011

No more wheelchair... I Can Walk

He used to tell that there's no magic in the world. he didn't believe in fairy-tales and was expecting the same from you. He said the same before leaving, said and left. The door closed, leaving him in the past, and you had nothing to do but cry.
-There's no magic... That's what he kept saying and he left because there's was no magic and you still were on the wheelchair. Was he afraid of something? It was weird for him that his loved one would be different then himself. But is it a difference?
 No, he was just stupid. You've lost something that almost all the people have: the ability to walk, but he lost you, someone original and unique. If he was smart enough he could become the only man in the whole world to have such happiness like you.
There's no magic...
You wake up like every usual day, you just want to go down the stairs. But he's not there to help. You're frightened of the thought that you're alone. The spring wind whispers in your ear "There's no magic" and it scares you even more. You're scared, but you're still going forward, you're going because you don't want to feel like you need him. You pass the first stair, but the other fourteen are still staring at you and their look frightens you even more.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Street Lamp

 Now, i'm a lamp. So let me tell you my story. It was a cold winter, i was standing in my place as usually , because, let's face the truth, even if i wanted to i didn't have a single chance to go somewhere else. It's sad that lamps can't walk, sometimes it's even boring to stay at the same place, all the time. In winters it gets even worse, people prefer to stay at their warm houses and there's no one around to look after, admire or just listen to the strangers' conversations. In summers it's more interesting. There are people everywhere, many tourists come to our small city.
One year i even managed to learn some French words from the french couple, who liked to walk in the park every evening, then they used to come and sit on the seat near me. But eventually they also left, leaving me the knowledge of those couple of French words that i can't even use. Why don't the other lamps speak French? We could at least have something interesting to do in that case. But no, they prefer to sleep all day long, instead of examining those people walking across the street. Oh well, let them sleep.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Save Me From Yourself

It's painful. Your love kills me slowly. My heart starts beating faster when you look at me, i loose the control when i feel your touch, and i'm scared that one day my heart won't be strong any longer to carry your love, it's so heavy. I try to run away, but i'm lost in your thoughts, thoughts about me and about us. Lost in your mind i see my reflection everywhere and it drives me crazy. Why do you do this to me? Why do you kill me so cruelly and yet so softly? I close my eyes in on order not to see you anymore, but your image is the only thing that passes through my head. You're everywhere, in my dreams, in my illusions, in my reality that is created by myself. I'm strong till the moment i see you, i'm on my own until you hold my hand and i'm sure i can survive without you before the very second i think of you. I don't know when i'm being more myself, when i'm with you or when i'm on my own? 
Even when you make me cry, i still long to see your smile, which warms my soul and puts a smile on my own face. And even when you hurt me i don't find confession anywhere else but next to you. It hurts, but i still move on, i never look back, i never regret. I fight against myself and my feelings. Sometimes i want to just through away the heart that is beating inside me so wildly, beating just for you. I didn't know loving would be so hard, i couldn't imagine that keeping that love would be even harder. I get weaker every day, keeping the love inside me as a substitute for the strength i had before. 
You love for yourself,
 I love for you 
And that love is taking all i have.
Please, save me from yourself...

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Saturday, September 10, 2011

again without you...

No, i'm not crying, i promise i'll do my best to hold those tears back. I'm not sad, i'll force myself to smile if you promise that you will smile with me. I'll do everything to prove you that i'm feeling ok, just don't worry about me. I'll be fine. It's pretty hard, but i'm strong, i'll survive. It's taking longer then it should, but i don't care about the time, i'm patient, i'll wait. I'll wait as much as we need to, because i'm sure that after all it will be worth it. It's cold here without you, but i'll try to find a sunshine to keep me warm and send the half of it to you. And when you ask me if i'm ok, i'll say that  i'm happy, i'll pretend that time and distance don't bother me, cause i know that sometimes you do the same. I can see the sadness in your eyes even when you smile, trying not to worry me, i can feel it in your voice, even when you laugh. And the fact that your doing everything to make me happy makes me love you even more. Your care, that's the power that makes me stronger.
 ... it gets harder every day, but i wake up every morning and the first thing that comes to my mind is You, and that's when i know that i'll be strong enough to survive that day too, again without you...

   


Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Moment of Weakness

I'm just stuck here in this empty room and the smoke of my cigarette is the only thing left inside these walls. No need to look at me like that, i'll go back to being a normal, organized, well-dressed girl tomorrow, but let me be this way today. No need to judge me, i'll do it myself, just not today. I'll sit on the stairs, smoke this cigarette, then maybe another one, i'll cry just a little and let the tears ruin my make-up. I will stop caring about anything just for a while, will forget about my plans and all the upcoming days. I'll be sad for a while, for me, for you and for all those people who need it. I'll try to kill my weakness in this pack of cigarettes, then i'll let the smoke take away all the sadness with him. I will go back to being the girl you know, i don't have any other choice and even if i had, i wouldn't use it, but today let me live with this moment for a while. I'll leave those tears on the stairs and wake up with smile again. I'll go back to being myself. I will get stronger after this moment of weakness...

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A ticket to Autumn


Sick of the sunny days of Summer i bought a ticket to Autumn, it's closer to my heart. The rains and falling leaves understood me much better then the hot evenings and morning sunlight. My tears easily became friends with raindrops running down my window late at night.  Walking down the alley i used to look up at the colorful leaves on the trees and didn't feel too lonely anymore. I followed the falling leave until it finally got to the ground after singing its last song.
 And that's when the cold wind invited me to dance the Autumn waltz, being to weak to ask any question i followed him . 
And i didn't care if people would think that i'm crazy, i danced with him under the falling leaves and maybe that's why my heart got a little warmer... The wind took me high above all the trees, i could feel the cold on my skin, but somehow it was warm inside me.
I got tired of Summer, cheated the Sun and had an affair with the cold autumn Wind...

Thursday, August 18, 2011

One More Year Of Love

One year ago this day... August 18, 2010.
A question that changed two lives... My life and Your life...
It's been one year already, me and you, your question, my answer and our decision. 
One year of trust, plans, hope, longing, waiting...
One more year of love...
And yet so many more years are waiting for their turn to come.
Love You
Always and Forever

SL
                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I'm a candle

I'm a candle...
 For many months i was just lying in a small shop, waiting for my turn to go. Then one day a young girl came to the store. She looked at all the candles and eventually looked at the seller pointing at me. That's how i went to my new home, to the girl's house. Her room was small and very sweet. I was standing at her table next to another candle. We were the only candles in the room and soon we became good friends. He was a sweet candle, didn't talk much, he liked to look outside the window and dream. The small room was the only place he had ever been, that's why he was dreaming about places outside, wishing that some day he could go somewhere else. I was telling him stories about our store, about my friends there and about people who used to visit the store. He was interested in all those stories, but every time i could see small tears running down the candle, my stories made him sad.
It was very easy to fall in love with him and eventually i did. He loved me too and that made him smile more often. I was not telling him stories any more, cause i didn't want to make him sad, instead we were dreaming together. We had many wishes, we were planing to visit different stores and houses together, go to different cities and maybe also meet some other candles. Our plans gave us hope that some day we would be able to turn all those wishes into reality. We were sure that we were  the happiest candles in the house, because we were the only ones, and deep down inside we hoped that we are the happiest candles in the world too. We were happy, until one morning, when he was too week to burn any longer...


I'm a candle, a lonely candle fighting against the cold wind of memories..




                                                                                                                            © LiLit Ghazaryan

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Letters



21st Century: internet, Skype, social networks, phones and text messages... and all these new ways of communications made us forget about something very important that our parents or grandparents had - handwritten letters. Nowadays we can simply call a person and talk to them no matter how far they are, we can send a text message and receive a quick answer even from the other side of the globe, we can even see and talk to people who are on a different continent. There was  a time when the only way of getting in touch with people who were far were letters. people were sending letters and receiving a letter back months later. maybe it's weird but even now there are still people who are fond of handwritten letters. And i'm one of them. I love to receive letters, but i enjoy sending them even more. There's something special in it, something romantic. When writing a letter you put a part of yourself in it, you give your warmth to the sheet of paper. Instead of typing the letters which look exactly the same way, no matter who types them, writing a letter you draw each word with your own style. You create a unique sentences were every letter looks original, different then any letter that has been ever written. You send your soft touch to someone far away.
Sending a letter you send a small piece of your heart with it...

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

Friday, August 5, 2011

You smile because ...


You know that feeling when you keep smiling without even realizing that you are doing it? Isn't it just amazing? You wake up with your smile already on your face, you're eyes are shining, you look around and see only the beauty of everything, smile at strange people's faces and wish them a good day. Some think you're crazy, some don't notice, the others don't even pay attention, but those who know what is going on inside you just secretly smile because maybe they feel the same or they wish they could be in the same situation. 
Let them think and continue your way, cause you're on the right track, you've taken the best path of life. 
You smile because You Love.. 

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan