Monday, October 24, 2011

Me against Myself

I looked into the mirror and didn't recognize myself. I couldn't believe the girl staring at me was my own reflection. How much I have changed! My eyes have got small and were lost somewhere deep, somewhere far from the reality that they didn't want to see anymore. My own eyes were looking at me with no thoughts or feelings inside, just like two painted eyes, motionless like two small stones.

I couldn't understand whether I was sad or happy, there was no smile, there were no tears, just a round face expressing nothing, nothing at all. The lips... It seemed that those lips had so much to say, so much to tell, but they were not moving, looking like a mouth of a marble statue. My skin looked pale, like there was no blood, no beating heart under that skin. My hair... My long hair that used to wave within the softest wind, were not moving.

I closed my eyes, with the hope that it all will be just a dream, a random nightmare, with the hope that by the time I open my eyes the reflection will be gone and I will see the real me again, smiling at at myself from the other side of the mirror. But no, when I opened my eyes it was still there. It? It was Me. I was still there, looking at myself. I was scared, I was horrified of my own reflection, of my own appearance.

What have I done to myself? Why i was doing this to me? So many thoughts and fears, created by myself, eating my soul, my heart. There were no more tears left to try to wash away those thoughts, no more voice to cry, to forget about the fears, to yell, to get mad. There was no more strength left to struggle, to fight against my own illusion. And here it was, the conclusion, staring at me from the mirror. I was too lost to realize what was going on, too confused to change anything, and my reflection had no choice but make a decision itself.
And here it was... The decision. I was turning into a statue... white marble statue., with no feelings on her face, with no smile on her lips, no fear in the eyes and no tears running down her chicks, there would be no more heart beating softly, no dances with the wind, but most of all, there would be no struggle, no need to fight...

Was I satisfied? Did I like the decision? I was too weak to understand it, at first i simply gave up, feeling how my hands were slowly turning into stones, how my eyelashes were not moving anymore. I was slowly turning into a big piece of stone that wouldn't be feeling anything very soon, no fear, no emptiness, no loneliness..

But wait! My heart, it was still beating, so weak and slow, but it was still alive, trying to tell me something, trying to remind me who I really am, who I was and who I'm trying to turn into.
No, wait! I don't want to be a statue, I don't want to be a stone without any emotions. I want to be able to feel, to think, to see. I want to smile and cry. Yes, I know it's hard, but I want it to hurt, cause I want to be able at least to feel something, anything. I want to scream, to get upset. I might torture myself with all those thoughts again, but at least I will be able to think. Yes, i know, i might go crazy after all, but I better be crazy then just a piece of a heartless stone.
I do, I wanna be crazy, just set me free, let me be crazy along with my own reflection, my crazy reflection that is staring at me from the other side of the mirror...

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

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