Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Dialogue of "Me" and "I"

I was just sitting in the quite room, my thoughts were also silent but my other half was not feeling comfortable in that emptiness or maybe she just had so much to say. I haven't talked to myself for a long time and my inner part didn't like it.

- Are you scared?
-Scared of what?
- Of talking to me.

Scared of talking to me... That "me" was no one else but myself.

Me: Stop thinking, I'm talking to you, at least be kind enough to pay attention to me

This was too much already, I was not just shocked but also angry.

Me:  See, you're doing it again
I:  What do you want?
Me:  I just want to talk to you
Photo by Monica Ohanyan
I:  Talk? What will we talk about?
Me:  Us
I:  Listen, there is no such thing as "us", it's just me. So stop playing with me and just stay quite please.
Me:  I knew it
I: Well then, good
Me: I knew that you're scared. You're scared to talk to me. You think you're going crazy, talking to yourself, having conversations with your own personality, arguing with your own thoughts. It all scares you and you choose the easiest solution, which is to just make me shut up.

Me: Why are you quiet? Don't you have anything to reply?
I: What do you want me to say?
Me: What? Now you're letting me to control you, aren't you? I can do that of course, if I want to, but we both know that it's not what your character would choose to do. You're lost, I can feel it and of course I can show you the right way, but I won't, because later you will not  forgive yourself for doing it. I know the way to help you, but I will not change the direction that you have chosen, so find the solution yourself.
I: Then why did you even start this conversation? To just tell me that you know the way but won't direct me?
Me: No, I just want you to talk to yourself time to time. You have no idea how many different characters are hidden inside you and it's not because you're crazy, it's because you're a fighter.
I: I am, I even fight against myself
Me: And that's when you know that you are still living. If you win yourself then you can win anything in your life.
I: You're right. Actually as I'm talking to myself then I better say I am right.
Me: Have you noticed how much have you changed?
I: I do realize it, but I do my best not to notice it and you also know that.
Me: That's why i wanted to talk to you. If you think that you can hide your own thoughts from yourself, then i have to disappoint you, because you are so wrong.
I: I know, I understand everything, I just don't want to see. I don't want to think about it, I have done my best to hide those fears somewhere far, but now you're bringing it up again. Why do you do this to me?
Me: You have forgotten about me and that's your biggest mistake. I want nothing more but just to be able to talk to you. I want you to go back being whoever you were, whoever you should be. I've missed you. I miss those times when we were having long conversations, getting mad at each other then laughing at ourselves. I miss being crazy, I'm still crazy but I miss being crazy with you.

And she was right. I was also missing myself and my different crazy characters.
Being normal. What does it mean? It means to be yourself and I went back to being myself. I was the crazy girl again, the girl who enjoys talking to herself, talking to "Me", "I", "Myself" and many other personalities living inside me.

                                                                                                                             © LiLit Ghazaryan

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