Friday, January 11, 2013

After The Fight

     I was walking down the streets of that beautiful island that seemed like heaven just hours ago. Now I was just walking and not even seeing anything. My own thoughts had filled the air and everything around me. I wish I could at least cry, but there were no tears. Fear, frustration, disappointment... Everything had mixed up together and I did not know what exactly I was feeling.
     What do I do now? I can't walk any further, I don't know the streets and I can not take the risk of getting lost here at this late hour. Where should I go now? I made two-three circles around the hotel and the nearest shops again. How long could I go around the same blocks? I had no choice but to go back to the hotel room. I had no other choice but to face him again, to sit there with him in the same room. How can I go back to whatever I just ran away from? That awkward silence in the room was killing me, there was no way I could take it any longer. Something was eating me inside. I wanted to cry, to scream, to do something... But instead I was just sitting there like a frozen statue. It took me a lot of courage to finally get all my strength to just open the door and walk out of the room. And now I had nowhere else to go, but to that same door. This time it probably would be even harder to open that door again. After making the fifth circle around the hotel I finally decided to enter the building. The lobby, and the way to the elevators... I was walking as slow as possible, so that a little more time would pass. I don't even know why. I was lying to myself that those couple more seconds would change anything or would matter at all. I was alone in the elevator and it made me feel even worse. It felt like there was nobody else in that huge hotel, just me and him. I got out of the elevator at the eighth floor and headed towards our room. The door was locked and it felt like hours passed while I reached for my key and opened it. He was right where I had left him, sitting in the balcony. It was like I had never even left. All this while when I was aimlessly walking and torturing myself with my thoughts, he was just sitting here. I kept going back and forth, trying to figure out what happened and why, but he was just sitting there, at the same place. He hadn't even moved and I doubt that there was a single thought in his head.
The awkward silence filled the room again. It was one of those strange moments when you so want to talk but your mouth just doesn't open. I kept running sentences in my head like a recording but did not dare to say them out loud. I was sure he was going through the same confusion. Why can't one of us just say it, just say something to put an end to that pointless silence. Here I was again, back to my frozen statue mood, not moving and not talking, just killing time.
      I don't know how long I was just standing there while he was sitting in the balcony, but at that point I did not care about anything else but just that very moment. I desperately wanted that moment to end. I even wanted to just go and hug him to make the frustration melt away. I hoped that a single kiss would brake that wall that we so easily created between us just during couple minutes. However, I was still standing there, not even moving my eyes. I could hear myself breath and my own heartbeat was so loud that it felt like my entire body was beating along with my heart.
     -Wanna go eat something?
     -Yeah, sure
    And just like that he broke the invisible wall between us. I felt like I heard a big glass door brake. And all the small glass pieces fell on the ground, creating a loud noise, each of them representing a minute of that long hour that we've been torturing ourselves and each other.

                                                                                                     © LiLit Ghazaryan

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